Surviving another year without the daughter I love? Let's call it Nuclear Thursday, and remember that I taught my daughter to appreciate the unlikely and beautiful in life and that's just what I got for August 17th a surprise.

Touch the water. That was my thought for my daughter Zoe's Birthday August 17th

When I read about Zoe's loves, swimming holes, sunsets and sunrises, travel and adventure I know we live in a lateral world that may be divided by years of being a mother love is the thing that guides me and so though the separation physically may be painful that doesn't mean that we're still not connected. One day not too soon I believe that the love I have for my daughter will be reciprocated and we will be united and together we will, swim and travel and hug, and I will explain that some really icky people have done some really icky things that will never prevent a mother from loving her daughter, but this year like all years without Zoe I do something special to remind me of my daughter who taught me all there is to know about spirituality.

No open fires? No problem I had come to the banks of Wapwallopen PA to take a day away from city life to watch the most beautiful sun set on the West as I pulled over for a night of vagabonding a time to watch fire flies light up the night and think, yep, that's Zoe. A fire fly in the night.

Whether it takes a month, a year or a decade whenever we catch up instead of being caught up by a family that denies a daughter her mother's love I think we'll have a laugh when I tell Zoe that I was shooting for sending a big jump off Powder Hole and ended up in front of the Nuclear plant. Like my daughter I have a healthy sense of humor and irony.

It's enjoying the wrong road which turns out to be the right road anyway which makes life the adventure.

In the words of Oscar Wilde: Life is too important to take seriously.

In the words of Khalil Gibran you may not seek to make your children like you, but you may seek to be like them, and with Zoe? When she told me she had seen me before she was born and chosen me because she knew I was the strongest mother for her. Yes baby girl I'm still here for you.

Wherever your travels take you, whatever your troubles I hope you have a loyal friend whom you can trust to see you through. I too am love avoidant except when it comes to Gigi. With Gigi and The Little (my nickname for you sweet baby girl) love is easy, warm and sweet and savory. All of my love. Mom.

I was deprived of your address two years ago to send you a simple gift about how you wound up with c-ptsd, and it's a day late in 2023, but here's where the truth starts. You are owed that sweet baby girl.

You should have never been forced to sell all of your possessions to travel in 2018 when your grandparents are holding 1.1 million in a trust for you and your brother.

I do believe that you chose me as your mother because I am the strong one who will stand up to the bullshit.

As your mother I can tell you that you have been deceived by your grandparents, and that is one simple truth. Your father's complicated.

It has never been about the money for me baby girl, but the principle that nobody lies to my children Max and Zoe Falk and gets away with that.

As a writer you must acknowledge the collective unconscious and mythic structures, and remember that life is not about fitting in but belonging, and you have a tribe. Max and myself and we may be a tribe of 3, but us Falk's? We gotta stick together, and so remember Maxi and the good times. Your life didn't begin the day you were dumped in Oregon. That served your father and grandparents.

Us Falk's have our own tribe, and I am the matriarch here to remind you that #loveisstrongerthanhate

The truth is a painful thing, but as you taught me from age four? Trust the Water, and my love. XoXo Mom

To be truthful baby girl, 1.1 Million wasn't my interest in "the company" it's a 1988 Willitts Trust from California with a whole other Trustee, and I've still got the community assets from my marriage trust to deal with and the $52 Million Surplus and your grandparents lies, which when they tell you that your rich? I know you'll question their sudden "generosity" or some BS that it's something they did to protect you from me. I'm your mother and I love you, so what could they have been doing moving you to Oregon participating in fraud with your father and having me arrested if it didn't feed their need to "look good" that's what Willitts's are all about. Trust me. I was born one of those who knows my father is a narcissist and they usually marry weak women, who don't know who they are (borderline personality disorder) and I know my mother. I got her sober. She didn't have the courage to admit her alcoholism until I had 6 months sober. And we Falk's, and all the things you don't know about the Falk's because with Narcissist's it's all about them, and like I said it's not about the money for me. It's about never being a sellout, and that means that I don't let my parents lie to my children, and that we Falk's have our own heritage. Don't fall for the bullshit. If you had 1.1 million in a trust from me since 2013? Why'd Gabe hang himself the week before your graduation? Why would you need to sell all of your possessions to move to Spain? Use your brain baby girl, and don't be impressed if the Willitts offer you some large number and a poor excuse for their rich behavior. I've been protecting you from your grandparents lies and your father's abuse that you've blocked out for years, and so when your grandparents come to you with some smear on your mother's character and a number? I'll aptly quote Tupac Amaru Shakur (I think Tupac was one of the answers on the test I sent to your uncle Greg for your trip in Peru) If memory serves I sent you guys some Sol and quizzes on your trip to Peru and asked what popular rapper was named after an Incan Prince. That's something I have been doing you since the first time we traveled, you and Max and I and we went through Mexico and I used the same trick to get you guys to learn a little something about the culture. I figured it was just fine to incentivize you with a small amount of the local currency and a competition for who could find the answer, and that way? You and I and Max were traveling, and doing the puzzles where you had to read about the culture and history? Well it taught us all something. Who do you think had to read the damn book to find the questions? Lol But anyway, in the Words of Tupac? Real eyes, realize, real lies. Money can buy happiness (momentarily) but it won't bring fulfillment. That comes from having a mission in life, and mine? I got 13th stepped (don't worry you're not in a 12 step program so you're safe from that) at age 22 and married too early, it's taken me 35 years sober to use my real eyes to realize real lies. The truth's like that baby girl. It never changes, and I wasn't lying in any book I wrote n 2011. It wasn't known in a jail diagnosis when you're already in the throes of trauma and you present as suicidal that you are in fact experiencing more trauma so a wrong jail diagnosis that I had bipolar can be forgiven, for it is often confused with c-ptsd, and you're not the only one with childhood sexual abuse. Here in New York? It's in my medical record SAS (Sex Abuse Survivor) and so I am here dealing with my c-ptsd, and mine was caused in my childhood too, only I don't have the ability to block it out. That's the gift and curse of long term sobriety and a memory that spans to the age of three. I have a long memory, and the truth is inconvenient, so why not write about the inconvenient truth? If it combats years of lies, and readers can relate? Then I am here to write a book that is a decade overdue.

The truth is sobering

I did not introduce my mother Patricia Zoe O'Rourke Willitts to Alcoholics Anonymous so that she would fail to work a 9th step and make amends. My amends? My 9th step baby girl? I owe you and Max the truth and justice. I've been calling out your grandfather since 2019. You're not the only one who calls bullshit you know, and those are Mark's word's not yours. I know my daughter. Her gut tells her something's off and she's pissed. That's good baby girl. Your anger is part of your fight and your travel is part of your flight and in the world of c-ptsd? Fight and Flight? It keeps you alive.

I suppose I will end with a quote by a mother who very much loved her child: Remember to keep yourself alive, there is nothing more important than that- Afeni Shakur.

One final piece of advice. Don't bond with my mother over shared "wounds" and say that you and my mother were wounded by me. I'm not a mother who would ever under any terms pray for the death of my child, and I think it was 2015, but your grandmother was the one relapsing and going to rehabs in Eugene Oregon, because she lied to everyone and was taking Ambien during the day (it's a fine drug for some people, not me) but for people with insomnia to use it at night, the fact that your grandmother was using it during the day and lying and my father (your grandpa) thought she had dementia and he dragged from doctor to doctor until she admitted the truth? Yeah, that's an addict. They will lie to your face to protect their addiction. I know about both addicts and alcoholics and I can tell you that you are neither, and your "addiction" is actually the piece of your c-ptsd which draws you to the call of the void, that thing you call adrenaline addiction is part and parcel to c-pstd. I can tell you that the same isn't true of your brother. He's an alcoholic and addict and relapse is part of recovery and that your brother is brave. He began facing this truth on his own at age twenty-three, and for that I hold Max Falk in high regard, and as your mother? I would chide you if anyone ever gave me your phone number, but apparently my mother's newest lie is that I am dangerous- lol. But, back to Max. As a sister? You need to support Max in his recovery because unlike your grandmother? Your brother isn't a liar. He may struggle with alcohol and other addictions but he's not a liar, and so I have hope for his recovery. In cases of both you and Max #Loveisstrongerthanhate